Jonathan Gershberg
Report: Lake Gross
“Our findings point to strong correlations between people looking at this lake and them saying “ewwww”, says freshwater biologist Professor Catherine Washington, the lead researcher on the team. “In addition, our own qualitative analysis of the lake has confirmed that shit is nasty,” she added.
Mall of America Betting People Will Risk Lives for Orange Julius
BLOOMINGTON — Despite research showing that spending time indoors with many other people significantly increases…
Sad! Bike Lane Makes It Impossible for Driver to Go 75 mph on Residential Street
“It’s just such a convenience. I can get from my apartment to work downtown in seven minutes, but only if I go at least 70,” said Honsmeyer, as he forlorn stared at the two-foot wide painted strip in his detailed Honda Civic. “What am I supposed to do, wake up earlier to get to work on time?”
Passive Aggressive Rusty Patched Bumble Bee Just Going to Wait Until People Realize It’s Extinct
Despite being integral to the health of the Midwestern ecosystem, the rusty patched bumble bee has decided to not make a “big deal” about its slow descent into extinction.
“No, we get it. You’re all super busy and stuff and might not have time to notice that one of the most essential pollinators in your region might vanish from the face of this earth” said Drone 4752, a rusty patched hive spokesbee.
Mike Pence Regrets Not Licking More Patients at Mayo Clinic
Photo by Gage Skidmore
Delta Offers Chili’s Gift Cards As Refunds for Cancelled Flights
After grounding hundreds of flights to and from Minneapolis-St.Paul Airport, Delta Airlines has announced that,…
Pretentious Craft Spirits Drinker Pivots to Pretentious Hand Sanitizer User
Faced with restrictions to serving cocktails on-site and a severe shortage of hand sanitizer, a group of Twin Cities distilleries shifted from producing spirits to producing hand sanitizer. Seeing an opportunity to “support the cause” Alpertson has shifted his niche, judgemental taste to craft-made hand sanitizer.
MN Man Disappointed That Census Doesn’t Track Number of Fish Trophies Per Household
Immediately after submitting his responses to the Census, Hibbing resident Mike Tollefson was disheartened that…
Heartwarming: This Man Played Terrible Music for His Neighbors at 3:00 AM
Gregory describes his album as a “rumination on my time with a girl named Allison”, and features songs with titles such as ‘Allison I’, ‘Allison II’, ‘Allison III’ and ‘For Allison’. All of which, he belted out into a microphone, amplified by two large speaker systems placed in the center of the street hours before sunrise.
“My influences include: Jason Mraz, Chaka Khan, V-necks, bonfires, the parts of Stevie Wonder I can remember, the Cars for Kids jingle, and of course Coldplay” said Gregory without being asked.