Jonathan Gershberg
Governor Walz Extends Winter Until July
In a further attempt to limit the spread of the coronavirus, Minnesota Governor Tim Walz issued a new executive order that moves the start of spring from April to July.
“While we understand that this may bring a lot of hardship, we know that once temperatures get above 50 degrees, Minnesotans mindlessly flock to the outdoors like moths to a flame” said the governor at a press conference.
“That’s why we’re reinstating the miserable, frigid conditions that make this state the 7th circle of hell for the better part of the year” Walz continued.
MN Republicans Criticize Walz’s Blatant Attempts to Save Lives
The day after Minnesota Governor Tim Walz announced a stay-at-home order devised to slow the spread of COVID-19, members of the state’s Republican party are lambasting what they see as the Governor’s clear bias towards preserving human life.
“It’s just unconscionable” said Republican Senate Majority Leader Paul Gazelka, “Governor Walz is not even trying to hide his concern for the lives of Minnesotans. Time and again, he…
Cool Boss Will Let You Work from the Hospital
Mark Tomlinson, owner of Doost Marketing is being hailed as “flexible” and “really understanding” after announcing that he will permit his employees to work even while hospitalized with COVID-19.
While keeping the office open despite the risks of hastening the spread of the novel coronavirus, Tomlinson announced at an all-team meeting where employees were crammed into a single conference room…
Sneaky Pete’s Declares Itself Essential Infrastructure
In the wake of Governor Walz’s stay-at-home order, which bars unnecessary travel and commerce to slow the spread of COVID-19, local night club Sneaky Pete’s has declared itself part of the “essential infrastructure” that must stay open during this time.
Jason Lewis Interrupts Funeral to Encourage Mourners to Eat at Denny’s
Original photo by Don LaVange
Walz Orders Shut Down, Waits Three Seconds, Turns Back on Again
Photo by Lorie Shaull
Sun Country Airlines Passengers Only Allowed Two Free Carry On Limbs
Photo by Joao Carlos Medau
Report: Crookston’s Theft Rate Actually Quite Low
Photo by Andrew Filer
Damn! Gov. Walz Blew the 1.3 Billion Dollar Surplus on Corn Dogs Again
Original photo by Lorie Shaull
Opinion: Woah, What the Fuck Is Going on in Our State Flag?
So, there is a Native American dude on a horse, and a white dude just plowing the land? Like the land that was owned by Native Americans? Just in front of him?
Wait, are they looking at each other? So, the white guy who is plowing the Native American’s land is staring him down?! That is bold and disrespectful. We are all seeing this, right?
Also: Why. Are. There. Mountains? Those steep peaks look like they were