Tyler Martindale
U of M Discovers Male Mallards Evolved Green Heads to Impress Females by Referencing “The Mask” (1994)
A team of evolutionary biologists from the University of Minnesota announced this week that male…
White Minneapolis Man Requests Federal Aid to Help Rebuild Shattered Illusion of Equality
The request submitted to the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) claims that the protests caused significant destruction to McCormack’s “belief that the police treat everyone in society more or less equally” and burned entirely to the ground his long-held understanding that the Civil Rights movement “basically fixed everything in the 1960s.”
Sibley County Frantically Searching for Other Guy Named “Sibley” to Claim They’re Named After
In light of renewed calls to remove statues and change names of places that honor…
Firework Shaped Like Smiley Face Fails To Lighten City’s Mood
Original photo by Joe Bielawa
Tragic: This Man Said “Ooh! Somebody Stop Me!” After Putting On Face Mask But No One Laughed
Get your tissues ready because this story is enough to make even the most stoic…
Walz: Human Sacrifice Altars Can Open If They Have Safety Plan
According to the new rules, all sacrificial victims, high priests, and members of the crazed crowd baying for a cleansing shower of human blood must stand at least six feet from one another at all times. Masks must also be worn by all present, whether their heads are currently attached to their bodies or tumbling down pyramid stairs. All swords, clubs, and shards of obsidian must be thoroughly disinfected between uses.
New MNSure Diamond Level Plans Offer Same-Day Organ Delivery
Online insurance marketplace MNSure has added new top-tier Diamond Level plans available through providers Healthpartners, Medica, and UCare. Diamond Level plans charge considerably higher premiums but provide access to better care, cover more medications, and allow customers to have any organ delivered in a YETI-brand rolling cooler to their doorstep within 12 hours, no questions asked.