Politics
Walz: Human Sacrifice Altars Can Open If They Have Safety Plan
According to the new rules, all sacrificial victims, high priests, and members of the crazed crowd baying for a cleansing shower of human blood must stand at least six feet from one another at all times. Masks must also be worn by all present, whether their heads are currently attached to their bodies or tumbling down pyramid stairs. All swords, clubs, and shards of obsidian must be thoroughly disinfected between uses.
Mike Pence Regrets Not Licking More Patients at Mayo Clinic
Photo by Gage Skidmore
Jill Karofsky Credits Election Win to Thousands of Now Hospitalized WI Voters
Photo by Karofsky campaign
Governor Walz Extends Winter Until July
In a further attempt to limit the spread of the coronavirus, Minnesota Governor Tim Walz issued a new executive order that moves the start of spring from April to July.
“While we understand that this may bring a lot of hardship, we know that once temperatures get above 50 degrees, Minnesotans mindlessly flock to the outdoors like moths to a flame” said the governor at a press conference.
“That’s why we’re reinstating the miserable, frigid conditions that make this state the 7th circle of hell for the better part of the year” Walz continued.
MN Republicans Criticize Walz’s Blatant Attempts to Save Lives
The day after Minnesota Governor Tim Walz announced a stay-at-home order devised to slow the spread of COVID-19, members of the state’s Republican party are lambasting what they see as the Governor’s clear bias towards preserving human life.
“It’s just unconscionable” said Republican Senate Majority Leader Paul Gazelka, “Governor Walz is not even trying to hide his concern for the lives of Minnesotans. Time and again, he…
Jason Lewis Interrupts Funeral to Encourage Mourners to Eat at Denny’s
Original photo by Don LaVange
Walz Orders Shut Down, Waits Three Seconds, Turns Back on Again
Photo by Lorie Shaull
Lake Street Kmart Closes, Endorses Biden
Photos by JJBers + Gage Skidmore
‘The Important Thing is She Got Out Early’ Says Mondale
Photos by Minnesota National Guard and Gage Skidmore
America Amazed Midwestern Candidates Even Lasted this Long
Photos by Gage Skidmore
Amy Klobuchar Beats Expectations, Staff
Photo by Gage Skidmore
Wisconsin Institutes New Voter Marksmanship Test
MADISON – In a move to improve election security, Wisconsin will begin purging voters who…
Breaking: Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Spotted in Alexandria, MN Making Her Website
Original photo by JoshBerglund19